Untangling Shame and Abandonment

Have you ever felt unworthy of being loved, positively regarded, or taken seriously? Maybe you constantly fear rejection or people leaving you, disregarding, or dismissing you. As a result, you don’t risk getting too close, don’t trust that good things will last, or go after the things you really want.

These feelings often stem from shame and I want to talk about how shame when compounded with abandonment, forms a powerful combination of self-sabotage and self-abandonment.

My Journey with Shame and Abandonment

When I was around 9 years old, my mother immigrated to the United States, leaving my younger brother and me with a friend. This separation, though meant to create a better future for us, left deep wounds of abandonment.

Like the wicked stepmother in fairy tales, the friend who was supposed to care for us treated us as less than her own children. We were physically abused and neglected. These experiences implanted unconscious beliefs that I was less than and unworthy and without our mother’s protection, we had no one to defend us.

For years, I carried these wounds without fully understanding their impact. They shaped my relationships and how I moved about in the world, and even led to me abruptly walking away from a 15-year career rather than asking for what I needed. The shame of feeling not good enough and the fear of abandonment had become constant companions, influencing my decisions in ways I didn't even realize.

Understanding Shame

Shame isn't just feeling bad about something you've done. It's a deep and painful belief that you're flawed, unlovable, or not good enough. Unlike guilt, which says "I did something bad," shame says "I am bad."

Shame often takes root in childhood after highly emotionally charged or repeated experiences of being neglected, dismissed, ridiculed, bullied, mistreated, or abused. Maybe you were criticized, ignored, or made to feel like a burden. These experiences teach us that we're not worthy of love or belonging just as we are.

The Shame-Abandonment Connection

Shame and abandonment wounds feed each other.

• Abandonment creates shame: When we're abandoned (physically or emotionally), we often believe it's because we're not good enough. This plants the seeds of shame (I’m not good enough, that’s why people leave me).
• Shame increases fear of abandonment: When we feel ashamed, we believe we're unlovable. This makes us terrified of being left again.
• Fear of abandonment shapes our behavior: We might become clingy (trying to get what we didn’t get in childhood), push people away (avoiding the eventual pain of being hurt like we were in childhood), or never let anyone get close (preventing people from realizing the awful truth that we’re bad, which will lead to them leaving). These behaviors can lead to more experiences of rejection or abandonment, the very thing we’re trying to avoid feeling.
• More abandonment reinforces shame: Each experience of rejection or abandonment confirms our belief that we're unworthy.

And so the cycle continues, each part reinforcing the other.

Signs You're Caught in the Cycle

You might be trapped in the shame-abandonment cycle if you:

• Constantly worry about being left or rejected
• Feel unworthy of love or positive regard
• Have a harsh inner critic
• Struggle to trust others
• Find yourself in relationships with emotionally unavailable people
• Avoid close relationships altogether
• Feel like you have to be perfect to be loved

This cycle shows up in our relationships, work, and how we move through the world.

Impact on Relationships

In romantic partnerships, the shame-abandonment cycle can lead to:

• Constant need for reassurance
• Jealousy or possessiveness
• Difficulty expressing needs
• Tolerating mistreatment to avoid being alone
• Sabotaging relationships when things get too close

For me, this manifested as staying in unhealthy relationships and molding myself to become what I thought others desired. I was so afraid of being abandoned that I abandoned myself instead.

In friendships, you might:

• Struggle to be vulnerable
• Always put others' needs first
• Feel anxious when friends don't give you their undivided attention
• Have trouble believing friends truly care about you

At work, the cycle can show up as:

• Perfectionism
• Difficulty asking for help
• Anxiety about job security
• Trouble connecting with colleagues

Professionally, my insecurities about my worth led me to give up on my dream of owning my own business. I was too afraid to put myself out there and risk rejection or failure.

Breaking the Cycle

Breaking free from the shame-abandonment cycle is not easy but it is possible.

• Recognize shame triggers: Start noticing when shame shows up. What situations, words, or experiences bring it on?
• Develop self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness, acknowledge your challenges are not your fault, and talk to yourself like you would a good friend who’s hurting.
• Build shame resilience: This means learning to recognize shame, observe it for what it is (a perception, not the truth), and share your experiences with people you trust.
• Heal abandonment wounds: Work on building trust in yourself and others. Learn to set boundaries and express your needs.

Using Trauma Response Mapping to Address Shame and Abandonment

One tool to start breaking the shame-abandonment cycle is trauma response mapping. This approach helps you see how shame and abandonment manifest in your life and relationships.
Here's how to create your shame-abandonment map:

• Identify triggers: What situations bring up feelings of shame or fear of abandonment?
• Notice physical sensations: How does your body react when you're feeling shame or fear of abandonment?
• Recognize emotions: What feelings come up alongside shame and abandonment fears?
• Observe thoughts: What beliefs or self-talk accompany these experiences?
• Examine behaviors: How do you typically act when feeling shame or fear of abandonment?

By mapping these responses, you will start to see patterns more clearly. This awareness gives you the power to pause between trigger and reaction, allowing you to choose a different response.

For example, I noticed that when I felt insecure at work, I would experience tightness in my head and throat, as well as a swirling in my stomach like I wanted to throw up, and my heart beating fast (physical sensation), anxiety and fear (emotions), racing thoughts about what I could have done wrong or something I did or said got back to my boss or I did something my boss doesn’t like (self-talk), and an urge to fix, overwork, or withdraw (behavior).

Mapping this pattern is step one. Step two is taking these insights and begin applying them in real life. With somatic awareness and practice, intervention becomes possible. Your map becomes a tool for understanding yourself better and making choices that align with who you want to be, not who shame tells you you are.

The Power of Self-Awareness

Since 2014, I've been on a healing journey, and with each step, I've awakened to deeper levels of self-awareness. This awareness has been key to my continued recovery from childhood trauma, and it's why I'm so passionate about helping other women like me recover as well.

Uncovering the roots of my insecurity helped me understand myself better, why I had made certain decisions in the past, and what I had been protecting myself from. For survivors of trauma, this information is life-changing, restoring voice and choice to our lives.

Breaking Free: A Journey, Not a Destination

Healing from shame and abandonment is a process. It's normal to have setbacks or days when you revert to unsupportive patterns, but each time you recognize shame or choose not to let abandonment fears drive your actions, you're rewiring old patterns and creating new and healthier ones.

Here are some final tips for your healing journey:

• Seek support: Shame thrives in secrecy. Sharing your experiences with people you trust can be powerfully healing.
• Practice self-care: Nurturing yourself reinforces your inherent worth and sets a standard for how others should treat you.
• Challenge perfectionism: Remember, you don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love and belonging.
• Celebrate small wins: Notice and appreciate every step forward, no matter how small.
• Stay curious: Approach your thoughts and feelings with openness rather than judgment.

By doing this work, you're not only healing yourself but also breaking cycles that may have persisted for generations.

My Ongoing Journey

Even now, years into my healing journey, I still encounter moments where shame and fear of abandonment surface. For instance, when I quit my job in 2021, I told everyone a story about traveling and buying a tiny house. While these were things I wanted, the truth was more complex.

I had been struggling with feelings of not being wanted, fears of being a disappointment, and worries about being fired. Instead of communicating these fears or asking for what I needed, I chose to leave. The shame of feeling unworthy and the fear of abandonment led me to abandon the situation first.

It wasn't until later, through therapy and continued self-work, that I recognized this pattern. I realized I had been protecting myself from perceived rejection by rejecting the situation first. This awareness was painful but also liberating. It allowed me to reach out to my former boss, express my true feelings, and maintain that relationship.

This experience taught me that healing is ongoing. Each new situation brings opportunities to practice new ways of being, to choose vulnerability over shame, connection over fear of abandonment. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.

Your Capacity for Healing

Your capacity for healing is greater than you know. With time, patience, and the right support, you can break free from the shame-abandonment cycle and create the fulfilling relationships you deserve.

The wounds of shame and abandonment often stem from childhood experiences that were beyond your control. The cycle you find yourself in now was likely a necessary survival strategy at one point. But now, as an adult, you have the power to choose differently.

Every time you show yourself compassion, every time you choose to stay present instead of running away, every time you express a need or set a boundary, you're rewriting your story. You're telling yourself and the world that you are worthy, that you are deserving, that you matter.

Next Steps

Understanding the shame-abandonment cycle is an important step towards healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.

If you're ready to dive deeper into your healing journey, I invite you to book a free Embodied Healing Blueprint. During this 45-minute consultation, we'll explore how shame and abandonment are specifically showing up in your life and create a personalized roadmap for your continued healing and growth.

You are worthy of love and belonging, exactly as you are. Your journey to believing that starts now. It's not always an easy path, but it leads to freedom, authenticity, and deep and fulfilling connections. Trust in your ability to heal and grow. Your future self, free from the grip of shame and abandonment fears, is waiting to emerge.